Rejected Ideas

Word v. Word Perfect

2009-07-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

Here is a letter to the Editor that I wrote to TechnoLawyer.com. They published it about a year after I wrote it:

IN THIS ISSUE:

1. Don Grassmann, Review: OnlineBackupVault V. MozyPro V. IDrive
2. Jeff Bennion, My Three Conclusions Regarding The Word Versus
WordPerfect Debate
3. John Fitzpatrick, Review: Microsoft Word 2007
4. Ay Uaxe, Legal Software And Consultants: Viva La Revolution!
5. Caren Schwartz, Review: Trend Micro Antivirus Software

2. JEFF BENNION, MY THREE
CONCLUSIONS REGARDING THE
WORD VERSUS WORDPERFECT
DEBATE
TechnoLawyer member Jon Calhoun
asks:
"I think for most of us that swear by
WordPerfect it is the Reveal Codes
feature that always puts it head and
shoulders above Word. I've not
worked with Microsoft Word's Reveal
Formatting that Kim described as
"similar to" Reveal Codes." I'd
appreciate further comments from
those who use Word 2002, who also
are familiar with WP, as to the ease of
use and other characteristics of the
Reveal Formatting."

Lynda LaPan responded:
"I would like to go on record as being
"FOR" the proposition that
WordPerfect is much more cost
effective that Word — because
complicated tasks can be completed in about 1/3 of the time, and edits of
the document likewise take about 1/3 of the time. Please refrain from
attempting to prove to me Word is better...."

Christel Burris wrote:
"I could not let the opportunity pass to comment on Lynda LaPan's
dissertation. I have just two words for her: Training and standardization.
Not just training for the legal secretaries and paralegals but training also
for any attorney who will be working with documents. Standardizing Word
styles and templates will make the creation and editing of documents
MUCH more efficient than WordPerfect...."

Stephen J. Silverberg responded:
"I find Word to be the most irratating, aggravating program I have ever
used...."

I have always been a Word guy. When I started at my new firm, and found
out that they use WordPerfect, I almost turned around and went back to
the job hunt. Out of morbid curiosity of how horrible the program could
actually be, I decided to stick it out and give it a try. Almost immediately, I
decided that our firm needs a Technology Committee, that I need to head
that committee, and that Item No. 1 on the agenda should be the
eradication of WordPerfect.
I began subscribing to blogs (TechnoLawyer being one of them) and doing
research to see if I could find any other opinions to back up my proposed
agenda. To my dismay, I found a bunch of people that actually enjoy
WordPerfect. I guess my mom was right — the Internet is full of sick and
perverted people.
After reading debate after debate on the topic and seeing WordPerfect be
praised so much, I have come to an ultimate conclusion on the topic. Here
it is: WordPerfect is not better. It might not be worse either. It all depends
on what you are used to. It's like saying English is better than Spanish
because you don't have to conjugate verbs. The reality is that you cannot
look at a printed document and say, "Wow. Professional. Must have been
created in Word/WordPerfect." And arguments that editing in WordPerfect
are simpler are just as false as if I said, "Speaking English is faster for me,
therefore it is better."
Conclusion No. 2 — The WordPerfect Supporters: Why Are They So Loud?
Two words — Ron Paul. Obviously, never even had a chance to be in the
running, yet every time I went to a place where more than 5 people
gathered together, I had people distributing glossy fliers about why Ron
Paul is better than everyone else. Instantly reminded of WordPerfect
supporters. If you were to judge which program was better based on the
amount of support vocalized for a program, you might also suppose that
Ron Paul should be the next President. It seems the deeper the ship sinks,
the more rats come out screaming.
Conclusion No. 3 — Word is Better. (<— I would have capitalized the
period to emphasize that this is the end of the debate and nothing more
need be added, but a capitalized period is just a less than sign and that
would look weird).

Jeff Bennion
Paralegal, Certified Law Student

[CM's Note: Thank you Jeff. After reading seemingly hundreds of Posts
about Word and WordPerfect, this made me laugh! But I think you do have
a point in that the better program is essentially in the eye of the beholder.
Be sure to check out our TechnoLawyer NewsWire coverage of
Wordundant. — Sara Skiff, sskiff@peerviews.com]

2009-07-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, time for some food stuff:

This is a white chocolate cheesecake with raspberry sauce and hot fudge on top with white chocolate shavings. I baked it NY style and gave it an oreo crust. You can always tell if a cheesecake is cooked perfectly if it has a solid center. When you cut it into slices, if the very tip should be firm.

This is a recipe I dreamed up for Christmas last year. It has two layers of Devil's Food cake separated by fresh raspberries. This is all floating in a white chocolate mousse and covered with raspberries and dusted with powdered sugar and covered with dark chocolate rose leaves. The rose leaves are made by stealing rose leaves from the grocery store and painting the bottom side of the leaves with tempered chocolate. When they cool, peel the leaves off the top and there you go.

My favorite user comment

2009-07-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

My Vampires topic page (http://www.cracked.com/funny-69-vampires/) has about 250 comments at the bottom. This one is my favorite:

Blood Times Two (BX2) by Hope Laraine Burke, ISBN 1-60813-323-0, Publish America

The book is about twin sisters that become vampires and have to learn to be vampires while existing in today's world. Witchcraft and voodoo come into play as well.

Thank you
Hope L. Burke

www.publishedauthors.net/bx2

Here is an excerpt of the book from that link:

Twin sisters, separated at birth, reunite in Virginia Beach near their 39th birthday in the year 2006 just to die and become Vampires.═ Together they learn how to be vampires by trial and error.═ They face evil vampires and defeat them with joined powers.═ They discover their biological parents; a Wiccan Priestess for a mother and a father who was enslaved by a Voodoo Mambo.═ I will share with you all of their adventures in my book titled ⌠Blood Times Two■.

And then, there's this:

2009-07-03T23:54:00.001-07:00

2009-07-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

These are the rejected excerpts from my article: 10 Things That Will Not End Well (http://www.cracked.com/article_17477_10-things-that-will-not-end-well.html). The published version was on hte front page of Digg and ended up getting about 275,000 views.

1. Knife Fighting: A Practical Course
Published

2. Ninja Home Study Course
Published

3. Gun Concealment Underwear

Published, but with their own text. Original text below.
The Only Possible Outcome: Being arrested

Well, this one is for all you gym rats out there who are tired of yo 9 and yo documents stickin out of yo lame ass boxer shorts. It's also good for the sweatpants crowd who are tired of less comfortable ass holsters. Finally, you can conceal your gun in your sweatpants and not worry about it falling out and shooting yourself in the ass. Because, you know what? If you are going to conceal a deadly weapon in your ass, make it comfortable dammit.

4. Close Range Bear Survival Kit from Smith & Wesson
Publsihed

5. The Secret Art of Stunt Driving - All the insider tricks of driving at the edge
Published

6. Under the Gun: Gun Disarming Tactics for the Street
Published

7. Beginner's Guide to Catching Monster Sharks
Published

8. Mantrapping

Excerpt From the seller:

Product Description
This is the first book ever published to explain how to capture that most dangerous animal: man. Based on Ragnar's own mantrapping experiences while on special assignments in Asia, Africa, North and South America and Cuba, this gut-wrenching book covers such mantraps as the Malaysian Hawk, the Andes Mountain Trail Trap, the Sheepeater's Rock Fall and the Cuban Water Trap. To know how to trap your enemy is to know how to avoid being trapped yourself. For academic study only.

The only possible outcome: Killing someone

The good news that if you buy this book, you will know how to avoid being trapped yourself. Of course the book can only really tell you how to avoid the traps its knows about. So it's only really helpful to avoid traps if you are avoiding the traps of someone else who bought this particular book. But if someone ever tries to get you in a Cuban Water Trap, you'll be able to identify it and avoid it. It's also extremely convenient that it lists the names of the traps it covers in the description for all those who are looking specifically for a book that covers the Malaysian Hawk and the Sheepeater's Rock Fall. Seriously though, the book teaches you how to capture hikers and campers and put them in death traps like on Saw or do what Rambo did to all of Vietnam.

The only practical application of this book we could think of was this:

Of course, if you are building traps for the predator in the jungle, you better hope you have more than a book. You'll need at least a bow made of things found in the jungle, which is not included in this book.

9. Beginner's Guide to Keeping Venomous Snakes.

Excerpt From the seller:

Product Description
Complete guide to keeping venomous snakes. Covers housing, security, snake hooks, pinning sticks, tubing, snake shields, catchboxes, bagging sticks, and more. Special section on snakebite.

The only possible outcome: Death or amputation of infected limb

Our translation of the product description: "How to pretty much contain, build sticks to poke at and agitate, put in bags, and hook venomous snakes for amusement purposes and what to do when they eventually bite you."
Nothing like a book on an ultrahazardous hobby for beginners that contains a special section on what to do when everything they teach you goes the way all your friends told you it would go.

10. Explosives Detection Field Test Kit - DropEx Plus
Published

11. Homemade Sport Submarine Kit

Excerpt From the seller:

SportSubs are now available as kits, making owning your own submarine affordable enough that it can finally become a reality!

To keep the cost low and retain its seat-of-the-pants attitude, SportSub kits come standard with only the key necessities; the Fly-By-Wire Joystick, Electronic Buoyancy Control, and Electrical Systems Monitor, and of course, they are unassembled.

The idea was to offer a kit that wasn't too difficult to build, and yet would be affordable.

The Only Possible Outcome: Death or the Bends.

If you have ever put together furniture from Ikea, then you will understand how someone could naturally come up with the idea of a build-at-home submarine kit.

Aside from inviting people to explore the depths of the ocean in a submarine that you drilled together yourself and hauled to the beach in the back of your pickup truck, there are opportunities for critical error that go beyond wondering why you have 3 extra hex nuts left over after you've finished drilling it together.

Exploring the bottom of the ocean in a submarine you build yourself is the closest thing to going into space in a homemade space shuttle that we have right now. Except there are no giant squid in space. You configure and install the air tanks yourself. You install the air regulators, the ballast system, the computer controls, the sonar, the computer navigation, and the guidance system yourself.

Luckily though, the plans do call for an escape hatch. Then you only have to worry about being stranded in the middle of the ocean and making sure the backup up system (that you installed yourself) works properly.

12. Heroin User's Handbook
Published, but with different text. Original text below.

From the seller:

There is so much misinformation about heroin that it is important to confront the myths right away. This misinformation causes unnecessary pain throughout society. It kills people and destroys the lives of many more than the users themselves.

"Mom, I'm getting to be that age and I want to start doing heroin."
"Ok, but make sure you get all the facts straight first because page 1 of this book I want you to read says that misinformation about heroin can not only kill you, but it could destroy my life as well. So, we are begging you to please confront the myths right away."

13. DIY Hot Air Balloon Kit

Excerpt From the Seller:

Experimental Balloon Building
Warning! Materials and ideas listed here are in part unproven and may be hazardous to use in the construction and operation of experimental hot air balloons and airships. Building and flying experimental aircraft involves significant risk and may lead to serious injury or death. Always obtain professional advice when building or flying human-carrying balloons and airships!

A very complete 90 page Information Kit is available for US$18 ($20 overseas). The brochure contains details about the whole line of plans and kits for Boland hot air balloons from 15'000 till over 100'000 cubic feet of volume, and it is also a good starting point for any homebuilt aerostatic endeavour.

Naturally, this is the type of thing you would see a disclaimer on. Well, here is the disclaimer from the people selling you a Do It Yourself Hot Air Balloon Kit:

http://www.proaxis.com/~bobledoux/

http://www.proaxis.com/~bobledoux/Issue22.pdf

Balloon Builders Journal CD Conditions of Sale

A warning to readers: You must assume all risk associated for the application of information contained on this compact disk.

# First, this information is published for your education and recreation.
# Second, the editor and contributors are amateurs and hobbyists, not engineers.
# Third, we make no guaranty or warranty as to the information contained herein.
# Fourth, building a real balloon literally means taking your life into your hands.
# Fifth, if you get hurt, or worse, do not blame me (us).
# Sixth, balloons are aircraft so pilot and aircraft certifications may be required.
# Seventh, you and no one else are responsible, period.

Pretty standard at first glance - the same thing you'd see on a toaster. But look again because here's what it says: "This is really dangerous. We are selling you plans on how to build it, but we are in no way qualified to do that. Although we hold ourselves out as experts and are trying to sell our product to you, we are not even sure if flying a hot air balloon requires a license. Please do some research on that and get back to us. Further, don't sue us when you die."

We're not engineers, like the ones who are supposed to design hot air balloons, but we did come up with the above calculations...

14. The Art of the Catapult: Build Greek Ballistae, Roman Onagers, English Trebuchets, and More Ancient Artillery (Paperback)
Published, but without my photoshop:

2009-07-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

Theses are the rejected entries from my first published article here: http://www.cracked.com/article_16727_20-costumes-that-will-earn-you-halloween-beating.html. It got about 370,000 views and got me an additional $50 royalty because it came in as like the number 2 or number 3 most popular article that week.

Little Pilgrim Boy:

The Breathylzer: The early model Terminators were easily identifiable, since Skynet's files on what penises really look like were badly damaged in the initial attack.

Flying Monkey: We're not in New Mexico anymore...

Monkey: I'm Silly and curious...bi-curious.

Ketchup: "Hello...I'm ketchup..."

Pez: Why so serious?

Robin Collector's Edition: Warning: For serious collectors only. This piece of trash costs about $400, but the groin piece is detachable. It's also available in up to size 44 waist for those who have an extra large six pack.

Thing 1 and Thing 2: For those who can't decide which costume to wear, we offer you a choice between Thing 1 and Thing 2. Note: these are both guy costumes, so you can go with your best friend.

Turkey: Sorry lady, no matter how hard you try to look the part, no one is going to "stuff" you.

The Flash: You better be able to run fast, bitch. Run from beatings.

Clifford the Big Red Dog: If he thinks Chris Hansen can't find him if he's dressed like Clifford, he's got another thing coming.

George Jetson: NY Times Headline from the year 2045: "It Turns Out Homosexuality IS Genetic and It Is the Only Gene That Survived the Nuclear Holocaust."

Batman: Oh good. Just in time for the new Tron movie.

Super Jew: This kid better prey to Jehovah that his friends don't see him dressed like this. You know what I would give this kid for candy? Lobster. Lobster wrapped in pork.

Menorah Man: This little bastard better know Jew-jitsu or he's going to get beat so bad, Job will tell stories about him.

Rabbi: Wow-ho-ho, Rabbi. Big pimpin' there. I guess it's true what they say: You can take the Rabbi out of the brothel, but you can't take the brothel out of the Rabbi.

Gorilla: Because "Aborted Gorilla Fetus That Survived and All You Did Was Make Him Angry" was too long of a name.

The Long Arm of the Law: If this costume would have just waited a few years for the Warwick Davis biography starring Sam Elliott, it would have been a front page costume along with the Dark Knight and Iron Man.

Chucky: I guess dolls do go through puberty. That explains why Barbie is being such a bitch.

Barrel of Monkeys: Well, nothing could be more fun than this costume. Which one is the human? Could it be the one with the fabulous tan and make up job? The one the other monkeys are laughing at? Probably.

Hunter and the Lion: She's thinking: "Please let this gun be real..."

Penguin: The good news is that with his arms tucked into the costume like that, he can't even fight back.

Iron Man: Yeah, this costume is pretty much on clearance now, since it has been determined that Iron Man wears boots, not socks, and has gloves. But at least they got the buttons on his breasts just right and his jaundicey color.

Swiss Boy: Oh good, his knee caps are showing. It takes some of the guess work out of it. And he brought you a beer.

Deviled Egg: For those of you who can't decide between dressing up as a retard or dressing up as a bad ass devil...

2009-07-03T00:41:00.000-07:00

This was my rejected Photoshop entry from the contest: Worst ways to break bad news to someone.

2009-07-03T00:37:00.001-07:00

These were my rejected ideas for the Photoshop contest topic: What if a major war had gone the other way.

First Rejected Article Pitch

2009-07-03T00:20:00.001-07:00

This one did make it to the second round of the article publication stage though. It was an article idea on ridiculous warning signs.

Warning: Do not microwave your Motorola cell phone.

Warning: Do not use your hair dryer while sleeping.

Warning: Do not iron your shirts while wearing them.

Warning: Do not let your children operate heavy machinery or be shot with tranquilizers immediately after taking CHilren's Benadryl.

Warning: Do not put people in the washing machine.

I also had Drano bottles, which contain the warning to not refill empty Drano bottle with beverages and drink from them.

2009-07-02T14:46:00.001-07:00

Worst Christmas Ever:

2009-07-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

More losers:

Topic was Everyday items designed by Batman.

2009-07-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

Losing Photoshop contest entries.

Cracked runs weekly Photoshop contests. I came in 2nd place one time, like 10th place one time, and I think I placed a third time too. Anyway, without further ado...

Topic: Rejected Olympic Sports